muchness

there is something wrong with me

there has to be

there has to be

there has to be

because people don’t just leave

leave

leave

like this

not over

and over

and over

and over

and over

not unless there is something wrong

with me

i am too much

i know i am too much

i feel it i feel it in the way people look at me too long

then not at all

too loud

too fast

too emotional

too everything

too f-cking much

i spill everywhere

i can’t contain it

i can’t contain anything

and i try- i try so hard to hold it in

to press it down

to be smaller

smaller

smaller

smaller

but then

i disappear

and somehow

that’s not enough either

so what do you want from me

what do you want from me

what do you want from me

because i am trying to be less

and i am trying to be more

and i am trying to be something that stays

but nothing stays

nothing stays

nothing ever stays

nothing

nothing

nothing

they always go

they always always always go

like i am something you outgrow

like i am a phase

like i am too loud in the beginning

and then too quiet to fight for

and i hold on

i hold on so tight

so tight

so tight

my hands hurt

my chest hurts

i can’t breathe

and they still slip

they still slip

they still slip

out of me

like i was never meant to keep anything

like i am built wrong

like i am wired wrong

like i am something that people can only take

in small doses

and i don’t know how to be small

i don’t know how to be small

i don’t know how to be small

i don’t know how

so i stay like this

too much

too loud

too everything

and somehow

still

not enough

never enough

never never enough

and i am so tired

of trying to fix something

i can’t even find